Marriages are made in heaven they say, however, it is on us to make them work. There are a fine line and a huge difference between staying together and living together which most couples tend to ignore. It is only after marriage that you actually ‘live’ together and get to know the person in and out. That is why there are instances where a couple who have been together for well over a decade fall apart after they get married and some who have dated for the bare minimum have a solid marriage. Bit of a catch 22? Not really.
Marriages are about coming together of two cultures, individuals, families, values, habits and many other things that are not tangible. Some of the factors that you need to understand when it comes to sustaining a marriage, is to understand each other without having to express too much about it. It may seem like a daunting task at the beginning, however, as you grow, as an individual and in your marriage, you see the little cracks where you would want to put some adhesive on, you would want to bandage where it hurts and that’s how you learn. Surviving and sustaining a marriage especially in this fast-paced world where divorces are a quicker option than finding solutions, start with something that is in your control.
Are you noticing that over time, you and your SO are not having enough sex? The sexual experiences are traumatic? You are not reaching the peak while you wish to? It is all about giving and nothing in return? You want to have physical intimacy much often but your requests are shot down by your partner? If the answer to all these is in the affirmative, you may well be in a deep rut.
Just like emotional unavailability or distancing can wreak havoc on your marriage, lack of sex can also wreak equal havoc. Its effects are more rooted and can then seep into other cracks of the marriage to build a larger problem. Not having sex at all or lack of sex in a marriage can pose giant issues. Let’s have a look at some of them:
2. Hits The Self-Esteem In Marriage
3. Feelings of Isolation
4. Scattered Thoughts About Marriage
5. What To Do?
Lack of sex in marriage sure has some serious implications, one of them being misunderstandings. The frustration can mount and take form in other ways when you or your SO are upset about something. That sexual frustration now boils up to the top and messes things even more!
Tip: Instead of fighting and arguing, one of you can take a deep breath and wait 10 seconds before you respond.
Hits The Self-Esteem In Marriage
Lack of sex can hamper your self-confidence and self-esteem. You might start feeling that you are going wrong somewhere and can affect other areas. You might start getting too conscious about yourself and it can reflect negatively in your professional or other personal areas other than your partner.
Tip: Try initiating by getting cuddly or sliding in some naughty texts to test the waters first.
Feelings of Isolation
Sometimes, sexless marriages can run their course faster than they would have otherwise. Feelings of isolation owing to self-esteem issues can start creeping up. Overall affection, emotional intimacy can take a hit and can also up to the extent of ending up in separation or divorce.
Tip: If you are feeling lonely, anxious and want to lock yourself out of the world, it’s time you hit up your friends and family before you go further into the dark hole.
Scattered Thoughts About Marriage
Although this may seem like a very vague situation, the constant feeling of dissatisfaction can lead you to a pool of thoughts that may leave you confused about yourself and your marriage.
Tip: To get the confusion off your mind, it’s best to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth. Sit your spouse down and be as honest as you can about where you stand and let the conversation lead your solution. Beware, be honest and not disrespectful.
What To Do?
Dr. Sanjay Chugh was quoted on Femina saying, “A sexless relationship can definitely be frustrating, but trying to talk about it with frustration and resentment written all over your face is THE way to ensure that you never motivate your partner to either open up or loosen up. Try to catch up with him/her when both of you are in a pleasant mood and they seem to be in a receptive mood. Make sure that when you talk, it’s not an allegation that you are voicing and that your tone isn’t accusatory in any manner. Else, you will once again find yourself talking to a wall.”
It might perhaps be useful to check if there is anything about you that’s making him/her withdraw and to lose his/her libido, says Dr Chugh. “It can be great constructive feedback to help you to introspect and work upon yourself. Let your partner know how this sexual abstinence is hurting you and that the relationship is vitally important to you.
We can hope that this approach may make you SO re-look at things. If this doesn’t work, encourage your SO to openly talk about what’s leading to the lack of desire. Sometimes there could be deep, underlying problems that are creating the drift. Looking at porn together is a great turn on and must be tried. Asking him/her about sexual fantasies and if they would want to enact some of these with you would also hopefully act as an aphrodisiac,” adds Dr Chugh.
So, five pointers that are absolutely essential to approach the subject with your spouse is:
- Honesty, however, you need to ensure you do not overstep and humiliate your spouse.
- Make the conversation and both of you instead of just him or her.
- Understand where you are going wrong and vice versa.
- If the issues are beyond your control to solve, either seek help or time apart to work things out.
- Don’t look at the issues, look at finding a solution.
Q. Is sex important in a marriage?
A. As with any relationship, physical intimacy in any romantic relationship holds as much importance as your emotional availability.
Q. How will lack of sex affect my marriage?
A. Going through a sexless marriage can be difficult. It can affect you in various ways like emotional standing, self-confidence, self-esteem, seriousness over the marriage, you will get agitated and so on.
Q. How to overcome the lack of sex in a marriage?
A. The winner here is – communication. Any issue can be solved if communicated well enough. Try to discuss and hit topics that you or your partner is hesitant to touch upon. Try and see if you can break that barrier. Once that is done, understand where you are going wrong and try to fix it instead of putting a stop to your entire relationship.
Also Read: Not Having Enough Sex? Here’s What You Should Do